Linked by Thom Holwerda on Sun 2nd Jan 2011 22:40 UTC
Gifts, Contests, Easter Eggs A few weeks ago, we took a look at TotalFinder, a collection of add-ons to the Mac OS X Finder that fixes some of its shortcomings, adds some welcome features, and in all, makes it a little more pleasant to use. We've got three free copies of TotalFinder to hand out, so read on to find out how you can win one!
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RE: Comment by pandronic
by vodoomoth on Mon 3rd Jan 2011 14:36 UTC in reply to "Comment by pandronic"
vodoomoth
Member since:
2010-03-30

I love it! It's a shame I can't vote you up several times.

Reply Score: 2

My Fiona Apple Story
by Feldmrschl on Mon 3rd Jan 2011 16:27 UTC
Feldmrschl
Member since:
2006-11-13

In spite of what most people would think, being a unicorn rancher is a rather dull and dreary job. Sure, the initial sight of your first unicorn, with its flowing mane of luminescent glitter, will never leave you, but, frankly, once you've seen one, you've seen them all. They're really just sparkly horses with that stupid horn on their foreheads, after all. Mutants, really. And dumb as a box of rocks, too, but that's another story for another time.

Anyway, as I was saying, my life as a unicorn rancher is a rather dull and dreary job. Most days anyway. However, the morning when Fiona Apple and her entourage arrived at my doorstep to do a photo shoot with the horned buggers, well, that was quite a day I can tell you. The photo shoot was for her fourth album, Lancelot in Faeries, or some such thing, I don't really recall to tell you the truth, but her production manager had gotten wind of my unique little ranch and decided that pictures of Fiona riding a unicorn would be just the thing for the album cover.

Oh what a day that was of barely controlled chaos that was! There were costumes galore and, of course, I had to help wrangle the right unicorns for each shot. See, unicorns don't like to be ridden, unless, of course you offer the right inducements. And for most unicorns, that inducement is fruitcake. They love their fruitcake. If you can get a unicorn to chew on a piece of year old fruitcake, the older the better, you can do whatever you want with them. Why, you can even dress them up in 19th century ball gowns and assorted soldier uniforms and stage your own barn dance, but that's another story for another time.

Did I mention that being a unicorn rancher was dull?

So after a few photos of Fiona riding on the backs of Glimmer, Headcase and Frenchy, it came time to settle accounts. Now, I'm not big into any of that computer mumbo-jumbo. My cousin from the city, the one who used to work for one of them fancy New York banks, tried to get me to use a computer once before. It was a Wista or Pista or some darn thing. All I know is that it pissed me off and I threw it off a cliff after Frolic and I went for a nice, moonlit ride down by the canyon. Well, these Fiona folks were using these Mac OS Ten computers and they were able to pay me directly into my bank account. What shiny gadgets these things were! When I made a comment about my old computer, they showed me all their tools, like iTunes and TotalFinder and the like. Pretty impressive stuff! It's still not my thing, I mean, I'm not made of money, but still pretty darn nice.

So that's my Fiona Apple story. I hope you enjoyed it. Now I'm gonna go out to the fold and take Backsider out for a ride. G'day.

Reply Score: 1

Never...Is A Promise
by FreakyT on Mon 3rd Jan 2011 17:06 UTC
FreakyT
Member since:
2005-07-17

In the bleak world of the distant future, the entire society is run with ruthless efficiency by an extraordinary machine known only as the APPLE. Everyone worships the APPLE. Anyone opposing them was hunted down and re-educated. Nonetheless, one group chooses to fight back: the Resistance. Their plan, years in the making, is about to begin.

* * *

January 5th, 2000 AD. Time: 9:00am.

An unconscious businessman lies sprawled out on the floor. Beside him, an identical-looking businessman stands speaking to a man wearing an odd mismatch of clothing seemingly taken from a time-lost thrift store.

"Are you aware of your mission?", the man says to the businessman.

"YES, CREATOR. I WILL SLOWLY DESTROY THE CORPORATION KNOWN AS APPLE, SO THAT YOUR FUTURE SHALL NOT COME TO PASS."

* * *

Time: 12:00pm.

"I AM NO LONGER AN INTERIM CEO. *I AM* THE CEO." shouts the robotic businessman from the Expo's keynote address. "FURTHERMORE, OUR COMPANY HAS CREATED A NEW OPERATING SYSTEM. ONE WHICH SHALL ALLOW US TO DESTROY OUR COMPETITORS. I CALL IT MAC OS X."

As the robot demonstrates how one can "delete insubordinate files" by simply using the "Finder" to "drag them to the trash", the time traveller grows concerned.

"That's odd," the time traveller thinks. "The robot shouldn't be--"

Suddenly, everything goes black. He tried to struggle, but his unseen assailant proved too strong. Then, he felt the familiar sensation of traveling through time.

* * *

The prison is dark, metallic, and lit by colored neon lights. The prisoner, still wearing a mismatch of clothing from various eras, had been there for several days. A guard slammed on the cell door.

"'EY YOU! IT'S TIME FOR YOUR DAILY BEATING!", after which the guard entered. He shut his eyes in preparation for the coming beating, but it never came. Looking up, he saw that the guard had removed her visor, and was a member of the Resistance.

"We're here to help you! We can go through these air ducts directly to the mainframe control unit! Go as fast as you can!"

As they crawled through the air duct, the resistance member explains the plan. "It seems our time-travel plan failed! A lifetime of planning, wasted! We need to find out why! And if we can't stop that APPLE from being created, we can stop it now! We'll need to hack it! The only way is to journey inside the machine's consciousness itself!"

"But wait," said the former prisoner, "how will traveling into the machine's consciousness help?"

"Easy," said the first. Your job will be to distract it, while I'll implant our backup plan: the UNIversal COmputational Responsiveness Neutralizer virus. Once UNICORN is active, we have only 5 minutes to get out before the facility self destructs!"

As silently as possible, the two Resistance members exited the air duct at the mainframe's core.

"Hello, " said a strangely disembodied voice. "The time has come for you to sleep...to dream."

* * *

The bright sun lit a verdant landscape under a deep blue sky. An intense double rainbow spanned all the way across the sky. Sunflowers, daises, and other flora seemed almost to be smiling.

"Wait...", thought the man. "They don't just look like they're smiling....they ARE smiling! Where is this acid-induced fantasy land?"

A strangely familiar voice rang out across the hills.

"A poorly-phrased question. A question to ask would be: Whom is this land?"

"All right, whom is it, then?" shouted the increasingly weirded-out man.

"You are within my consciousness. I, APPLE, the ruler of your pathetic world. I have, of course, been expecting you."

"Why?"

"I wish...to thank you. If it weren't for your pathetic *resistance*, I wouldn't even be here!"

"I knew it! That robotic Steve Jobs we implanted, it turned evil! Blast!"

"No, no. You see, the robotic Steve Jobs, while an unusual CEO, to say the least, functioned perfectly as you had designed him. Until...we...met. Back then...they called me....Fiona."

"Fiona Apple!? The singer/songwriter!?"

"Yes. For you see, I was able to hack Steve Jobs's consciousness and merge with him, thus creating...a better version of me!"

"That--that's impossible!"

At that moment, a one-horned horse creature trotted happily across the landscape. "Well, hello there! What is your name?", the voice called to the creature. The creature stared. Suddenly, its eyes turned to red, and it began to glow a blinding white.

("She must have managed to implant the virus successfully", he thought.)

Suddenly, the woman who had planted the virus ran into the scene, grabbing the other resistance member by the wrist.

"We've got to get going! This place will--"

The disembodied computer's voice rang out once again, with a distinct note of concern in its voice. "What---what is happening!!!??"

"We've left you a little....parting gift!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO", shouted the voice, as it progressively became lower in pitch, then higher, as the world shattered into glittery fragments around them!

* * *

The two awoke once again in the computer core room, now lit with a red glow indicating the impending destruction of the facility.

As they cleared the final hallway, the building exploded spectacularly behind them!

The man turned to the other resistance member, saying, "I hope this wasn't...a mistake."



I've hidden 6 Fiona Apple song titles in the story! Collect them all!

Reply Score: 2

Comment by Kasi
by Kasi on Mon 3rd Jan 2011 17:40 UTC
Kasi
Member since:
2008-07-12

A voice calls out "and that's a wrap!"

"This is harder work than I though," echoed through Fiona's mind. The sweat beaded on her brow, as she checked to make sure the unicorn's vigor hadn't shed the glitter from her hair. Her next scene was coming up as soon they finished reviewing the last one and she wouldn't have time to get her make-up redone.

The director and producer huddled around the MacBook Air reviewing the last set of takes in Final Cut. "I remember when had to have reels and reels of film and a whole room of editors to piece these scenes together" remarked one of them. "Yeah OS X and these tools have helped us to come a long way and keep costs down" said the producer.

Fiona walked over the her chair, and took a long drink of water. She never expected she'd end up doing unicorn porn. "Its all because of that damn Ke$ha" she fumed silently. "If I hadn't lost celebrity idol to her, people would still take me seriously".

Edited 2011-01-03 17:41 UTC

Reply Score: 1

RE: Comment by Stratoukos
by ebasconp on Mon 3rd Jan 2011 17:56 UTC in reply to "Comment by Stratoukos"
ebasconp
Member since:
2006-05-09

you should write the lyrics for OpenBSD songs!!!

congrats!

Reply Score: 2

An OSX cut and paste story...
by terenzio on Mon 3rd Jan 2011 19:19 UTC
terenzio
Member since:
2011-01-03

The very first thing I've discovered when I started using OSX was the absurd absence of the cut and paste feature in Finder.
I'm a professional developer and when I started learning how to code the first thing I was taught was DON'T DO COPY AND PASTE IN YOUR CODE!
Maybe someone in Apple misunderstood this good advice, and took it a little too literally!

Reply Score: 1

Comment by bysnizz
by bysnizz on Mon 3rd Jan 2011 21:47 UTC
bysnizz
Member since:
2011-01-02

I was watching tv with two friends drinking some young girls blood, when came a very funny spot: the Big Leopard of Mac Os X was riding a wonderful unicorn, heading a herd of Unicorns! We were totally surprised about this glitter spot, appeared in a night of a Pale September in Cupertino.
We didn't have the time to restart out brains frizzed by this wonderful sensations of images and sounds that a girl with two deep blue eyes and an attractive smile screamed outside, running a green unicorn! Incredible!! We were astonished, and we couldn't believe how she could manage such a long and heavy blade, forged by programer elves that develop the Total Finder weapon!
And with this sad bloody sun, Fiona Apple run away with her green unicorn dressed only with brown bra and slip...

Reply Score: 1

A new Discovery.
by aking469 on Mon 3rd Jan 2011 23:51 UTC
aking469
Member since:
2006-01-16

Today in Helsinki a scientific breakthrough has occurred. Fiona Apple has discovered that Unicorn poo, which as we all know is made up mostly of glitter, can be used as a geek anti-achne facial cream. Her discovery is quite astonishing due to the fact that her outdated Mac OSX computer was not running Total Finder/Finder at the time making her efforts at cross pollination of various file folders nearly impossible. Geeks everywhere would be rejoicing if they could be pried away from their screens long enough to look in the mirror establishing the need for this treatment.

Reply Score: 1

Fiona Finder Apple Sheep-Dip
by High Plains Drifter on Tue 4th Jan 2011 03:42 UTC
High Plains Drifter
Member since:
2008-11-02

Fiona calls to me, wanton and compressed. Boundaries fail and banks erupt like an icon of sweet and sour privilege across sweaty orchards pixelated with cream-cheese and empty delusions.

“What have you, good Sir?” as I step between discarded desktops and idealized interfaces, presented only to induce my perpendicular abandon. But I have no ears for such empty sets. My memory is left but to expand and refresh with abandon, I long only for my Fiona, somewhere in the upper-left corner of my experience.

I toggle her, begging for forgiveness and ease for my pain. I yearn to glitter in response to her zesty tapioca pudding. But lo! I am denied. A voice descends upon me, speaks:

“What you see! What you get!”

“But I must have more!” I scream back, pounding my fists, searching in vain for relief. Fiona! She is X now, a shadow of her former self. She is lost to me, aloft somewhere like a unicorn in a sheep-dip, and I yearn to tell her so.

I step once again to the bar, precipitating through menus to drown myself in lost infinities, seeking salvation but all is but fraught with frustration and broken dreams. My icons speak back to me and bleed sweet tears but grab nothing. Another voice calls, creeping toward me from seven discolored windows, wooing me with sweet promises and complex commitments. But my reality retorts with rage.

“Fiona is all I seek, the Apple of my arterial cortex,” but I cannot find her.

“Find her!” I scream. “Find her useless Finder that but fined her for leaving unreferenced memories in my soul!” But my plea falls in an empty abyss, leaving me in totality with my craving.

“X! OS X! What you get!” the voice thunders, pitilessly, and I collapse in a gooey mass of longing for a more. Total. Finder.

Edited 2011-01-04 03:53 UTC

Reply Score: 1

Comment by simon17
by simon17 on Tue 4th Jan 2011 06:12 UTC
simon17
Member since:
2009-08-21

an unicorn thought to himself what's 4 point 2 divided by a glitter box filled to the brim with the emptiness of fiona's apple

to which the mac os x replied i certainly would but im afraid i cant afford the finder's fee

Reply Score: 1

RE: Comment by Stratoukos
by Kroc on Tue 4th Jan 2011 22:23 UTC in reply to "Comment by Stratoukos"
Kroc
Member since:
2005-11-10

Simply epic.

Reply Score: 1

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